I Realized I’d Healed When I Felt Nothing: Neutrality Over Triggers

A stranger at a hotel bar said, “You don’t look like you’ve suffered a day in your life,” and the room went still—not because it hurt, but because it didn’t. What followed was a surprising proof of growth: calm, clarity, and a clean boundary where an old trigger once lived. We unpack the entire moment—from camera talk to invasive questions—and how it revealed the quiet power of a regulated nervous system and a well-practiced “no.”

We walk through the realities of medical trauma, consent, and dignity after seven surgeries, then pivot to a fiery exchange about marriage, tradition, and social security that says more about projection than persuasion. Along the way, we share practical tools for staying grounded: how to recognize when someone’s pain is spilling onto you, how to hold your line without escalation, and how to leave with your peace intact. The takeaway is simple and hard-won: healing isn’t a highlight reel; it’s the ability to choose your response when life hands you disrespect or disbelief.

Expect a clear framework you can use today—building an inner “bubble” of belief that filters what reaches you, spotting the difference between advice and projection, and honoring the friends who help co-regulate in tense moments. If you’re on your own healing path, this conversation will help you name the subtle wins: the trigger that doesn’t bite, the projection that bounces off, the self you return to with ease. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs stronger boundaries, and leave a review to tell us where you’ve noticed your own quiet proof of healing.

Transcript

Conference Setting And Chance Encounter

“You’ve Never Suffered” Comment

Seven Surgeries And Boundaries Tested

Owning Healing And Emotional Neutrality

Marriage Projections And Social Security

Choosing Beliefs Over Projections

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where something happens and it gives you the opportunity to recognize your growth? Recognize that you're actually more healed than you thought you were. Now, I had one of those circumstances recently, and I'm gonna tell you all about it because I think it's a powerful point to bring to the table about how healing causes us to respond and react differently to different things. And I feel like being able to gauge our response to things is a our ability to see just how healed we are. So this circumstance took place last weekend. I was at an event called the Empowered Podcasting 2 conference and super excited. Um, this while it was at this event, this human that this interaction happened with had zero connection to the event. He was not an attendee, team member, speaker, nothing. He was just present in the space. This was in a hotel, so obviously anybody could be around. Um, so what happened was I got done speaking on Friday and did a phenomenal workshop. Everything was great. Then Saturday came around, and about halfway through the day, I saw a friend of mine sitting at the bar, and I thought, let me just go and have a conversation. So I woke up. I happen to have my camera in my hands, and my camera is it's a Canon R50, so it's a pretty like it's a mirrorless body. I had a 24 to 70 lens on it, which is pretty big. And so it's pretty noticeable when you are carrying it. Also had some other accessories and stuff. So it's it's it's something that people are gonna say something about typically. And I and that's exactly what happened. As I walked up, he asked, Oh, are you a photographer as well? And I said, Oh, no, sir, I'm not. I'm just I love to create content. And uh, but I wouldn't necessarily label myself as a photographer. So he says, Oh, okay, and starts asking more questions and getting inquisitive. So my friend and I both begin to answer his questions because we're podcasters. We like to talk and we enjoy educating and encouraging people to either pick up a mic and start to speak into it or put on some headphones and listen to podcasts. So obviously, the two of us are just having great conversation and asking things. And come to find out, this man has not only never listened to a podcast in his life and didn't really actually understand what they were, but he also has never been on YouTube in his life, which as a YouTube university girly, um, that blew my mind because I go to YouTube to learn how to change attire, to do my taxes, to uh help regulate my emotions. I use YouTube for everything. And so for someone who's not on any social media, has never used YouTube before, I was like, oh, interesting. Do you watch TV? No. Do you read the news and newspapers? No. Do you read magazines? No. I mean, I think the only thing this man said that he did was listen to MPR. And I was like, okay, get it. Good. So you listen to the radio in some way, shape, or form. I think it was AM radio, or I can't even remember what he was. It was so antiquated that I was like just blown away. And I'm like, okay. So here we are, chit-chatting with him. And then he had this moment where he looked at me and said, Well, you don't look like you've suffered a day in your life. And I just paused. Because if you know my story, you know that it's absolutely complete and utter ad. And so I'm sitting there, I'm like, wow, okay, taken aback by that. But I now know that my response next time this happens and someone says that to me is going to be an immediate thank you. Because if I am now in a space where my energy and the way that I show up in my presence comes off as I'm so healed that I haven't struggled at all or dealt with any adversity in my life, then dang, girl, give yourself a little pat on the back, celebration, because I truly have faced so much adversity in my life. From being verbally abused, emotionally manipulated, to being abandoned, to being sexually abused, to being held at gunpoint, to being held at knife point. I've experienced so many wild aspects of life, things I would never wish on anybody else. And yet, if I'm showing up to this stranger as someone who's never suffered a day in her life, then good on you, girlfriend. You have done the work. And that should have been a thank you. Appreciate that. And it wasn't. But what I did notice was that I was neutral. I didn't have any high or low experience. I was just neutral. And yet, me a couple years ago, oh man, if he would have said that to me, I would have been so heated. I would have been so upset. How dare you say that to me? Because I was still in the suffering. But now that I'm out of it, I'm like, okay, cool. Thank you. It gave me an opportunity to recognize how much further I've come. Because I also recognize, like, that's on him. His perspective. He's just mirroring back to me who I am and how I'm showing up, right? So he's mirroring back to me through his language. You've healed so much that I can't tell you were ever broken. Turned out to be a bit of a blessing. But then I wasn't the only one who couldn't keep my mouth shut when he said that. The gentleman who is my friend and standing next to me said, Oh, dude, you have no idea who you're talking to. Because just the day before, I had told everybody in the room from stage that I have experienced seven surgeries on my vulva across a 10-year period of time. Some of the most painful experiences, something I would never wish on my worst enemy. And so I said, okay, well, I said, I appreciate that, sir, but I actually have had seven surgeries on my vulva across a 10-year period of time. And I'll tell you, most people, when they hear that, go, oh my gosh, that's terrible. Oh, wow, that must have been so painful. I'm so sorry to hear that. That's a typical response. I guess 99% of the time. Well, this one percent, this one gentleman, without even thinking, said, Oh, well, I'm gonna need to see the area and see the scar to be able to know that you're not lying to me. Yeah. He essentially verbally assaulted me. Sexually assaulted me. Saying in his own words, I'm gonna need you to lay down and spread it so I can be sure that you're telling the truth. He had zero empathy, zero consideration, zero compassion for the human in front of him who was speaking of their suffering. But that's okay. Because my experience is not his responsibility. It's not. It's mine. And he's clearly speaking from his own space and his own perspective. And he in that moment showed me exactly why he's a 63-year-old man who's not married and has a really hard time with women, as he was saying to me in the conversation just before this. So it's very clear that he has a very low capacity for emotional capacity, any capacity to hold emotions, to be able to see another human and just understand that their suffering is real. But again, my trauma is not the world's responsibility. It is mine. My experiences are something I need to heal from. And I don't expect the rest of the world to heal with me, nor to know about it, nor to, once I'm healed, never ask about it or say anything again. How entitled I would have to be to expect the world to never bring it back up. We live in a world where people have the freedom of choice, the freedom to say whatever they want. And so even though you're on your healing journey, you have to know that doesn't mean someone's never going to say something to you that's rude or that's abrupt or lacks compassion. You just have to recognize that once you are in a healed space, you will respond differently. Because I know that if it was me years ago, ooh boy, I either would have fought and said something rude right back to him. I would have uh flight, I would have gotten up and just been like, okay, and I'm gonna end the conversation here. I would have frozen and just not known what to say and stumbled over my words, or I would have turned into fawn and I would have gone into a moment of people pleasing and just giving in to that. But this time I didn't do any of those. In fact, I was completely neutral. And I thought, okay, I've done the work. Finally, in a place where someone can say something to me like that, and I know that it is a them problem, not a me problem. It was quite apparent through his language how much he's suffering. It was very obvious that this man is in an emotionally, mentally, and maybe physically painful place. He's sitting at a bar in the middle of the afternoon drinking straight vodka. That takes a bit of pain to get to that space. And so here we are having this conversation, which then proceeds to go even further. Because I did respond and say, Well, that's okay, actually. My partner of 10 years would verify that it's it's actually real. I'm telling the truth. And he was like, Oh, I'm not coming on to you. I didn't mean it like that. I immediately backtracked. And I said, It's okay, it's fine. Because I knew that he's simply speaking from his own belief system, from his own space, from his own perspective. And that's okay. And he continues to have this conversation, asking me, So are you married? Because I'm not, and so I don't wear a ring. And I said, No, sir, actually, marriage is not a part of our plan. We actually have a 10-year rule. Every 10 years in our relationship, we sit down and we decide together whether it is best for the both of us to continue on together or to go our separate ways. And this last 10 years, obviously, here we are still together. And so I told him that. And I knew it was his own baggage immediately. When someone is so adamant, you must marry your partner. You need to marry your partner. You really should marry your partner without ever asking me why I choose not to. I knew it was his own baggage, just being projected all over me. So I asked him, I said, why? Why is it that you think so adamantly that I must get married, even though it goes against my belief system? And he said, Well, you can't let all that Social Security money go to waste. That man worked really hard for that social security, and it's just gonna go right back to the government if you're not married to him. So you gotta get married. Get married. Like, no, sir, I don't. I said, What is it to say that my partner hasn't already set me up in other ways to where Social Security is pennies compared to that? How do you know that I'm not already cared for without needing to be married? And he said, Oh no, you just you can't. It only goes to a wife. You must be married, and then otherwise the government gets it back. And I started to recognize that it's simply his own story. Is that he claimed to have worked in oil, whether he did or not, I don't know. Um, but he claimed to be working in oil, getting paid the highest amount of social security possible, and was so upset that it was just gonna go back to the government because he wasn't married. He said, Well, I'm I think I'm just gonna set someone up to get married too, just right before I die, just to make sure that someone gets the money. And I'm like, what a sad, sad way to live. And I recognize it's only his baggage, it's not mine. It's not for me. And I'm so grateful I do the work I do so that I can recognize my growth and my healing, and I can recognize when it's someone else's projection and not mine. Because other people without such strong belief systems might have let that permeate, might have let that become a little uh incessant voice in the back of their head. Oh, you should get married, you should get married, you should get married. But no, I will not allow that to permeate me because I believe too much in what I've built. And I love my partner enough to not want that for us. And it's okay. We're all given the privilege to be able to choose and create and design the reality that works for us. And I'm so grateful for that friend who was in this conversation with me, as he was very much a conscious, grounded, masculine energy that did help me feel safe in this conversation. Otherwise, I would not have fancied or really given any attention to this gentleman if I was by myself. Because I don't have a habit of getting into conversations with drunk men at bars about my love life and my body. Um, I believe it was the space I was in and the people around me that made me feel so safe that I could have this conversation. And thank goodness they came around a few minutes later and said, We're going back in for the keynote, everybody back in the room. And I immediately said, Oh, thank you, sir. Appreciate this conversation. And I got out of there. And my friend walking away once we got around the corner and in the room turned to me and immediately was like, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you had to be assaulted like that. Because he saw it too. The way his jaw hit the floor when that man told me that he needed to see it to believe it.

unknown 17:05

Oh.

Exit, Debrief, And Compassion

SPEAKER_00 17:07

And I turned to my friend, I said, That's okay. That man is clearly suffering. So, in fact, I'm just gonna send love to him because it was his baggage, not mine. And he said, And I can't believe he wouldn't let up about the marriage thing. And I said, It's okay. Yet another thing that is his baggage and not mine. In that moment, I got to utilize the tools that I teach to be completely grounded and to show my friend that people could say whatever they want. It is up to us, whether we allow it to permeate, whether we allow it to get through our shield of armor and get into us. And I don't mean shield as in like we should always be armored up, but like I truly have learned how to energetically create a bubble around me almost. And my belief systems of that bubble and of my world are so strong that if it does not match my belief system, it will simply bounce off. His words did not match my belief system. So it's not something I'm gonna allow to permeate my bubble, to come into my world and to impact my frequency. But that's taken so long to get to, decades of inner work to get to a point to where you can be that solid in your belief system. So I'm hoping that you too get these opportunities, these opportunities to recalibrate and to recognize just how far you've come on your healing journey. Because it's not always in the achievements where you see the results of your growth and your healing. Sometimes it's in being confronted with the very thing that used to trigger you and recognizing that this time you didn't get activated. This time you were calm. This time you were able to hold empathy for the other person, recognizing that this is simply their pain being projected. You don't accept their pain. And instead you just send back love. And I hope you too get that opportunity to to admire yourself for the level of strength that it takes to lay down the old story and to step into that new identity, that new version of yourself who truly believes that you can create whatever reality you desire. Because you have choice. So I'll see you in the next one.